“At least it’s Friday,” a teacher once said to me, “Anyone can get through a Friday.”

What this meant to me? Soon we will have no responsibility for anyone but ourselves, soon we will not have to answer to student, parent, administration or peer. And…bonus!…we don’t have to rise on Saturday morning to return to this environment.

I, a parent of many, responded with a polite smile. You don’t know my world.

In my world back then, Friday meant the beginning of a weekend of compromises– child and teenager needs vs. family and parent needs. These negotiations had a huge impact on the quality of my life in the moment and on the quality of my relationships over time. Many adults advised: Let them do what they want or Just say NO! I did not listen to the adults. I listened to the young adults and children. I offered compromises.

I asked myself:

What do we lose when we decide we will not listen? We will not compromise?
What is the quality of our relationships when we decide we are giving up?
or decide we’re going to say NO, over and over, until the requests stop coming?

“My indigestion is caused by the process, not the outcome, by the limited perspective, not the outcome. ”

— me, today

I woke to news today of a teacher’s strike ended by government order, not negotiation. My stomach has been a-jumble with the first sip of coffee.

I’m not surprised at the impasse, at the breakdown of negotiations. I’m not surprised at the decision by the government to avoid arbitration by invoking the notwithstanding clause– essentially a veto power given to provinces in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, to be used in extreme cases. Renegotiating contracts with government employees (teachers) is not an extreme anything; it is a responsibility and a duty. Employees of the government are employees of the people. The government is employed by the people. The people have been patient with the government and the teachers, letting the process happen.

Will the people remain patient? How will the people respond? How will we get through this day??

The majority of our elected government officials and the premier of our province, Danielle Smith, has decided they can’t get through a Monday or any other day of the week or weekend without turning towards measures of authoritarianism.

In our province’s family, it appears Danielle Smith is either a Queen of Hearts from Alice’s nightmare– Off With Their Heads!– or a woman with her heart governed the powerful around her– Let’s see what will happen if we go beyond our power…if you take a hit, we have your back…

What havoc do we invite into our lives with the unwillingness to listen, to compromise?

“Whatever you hold, hold it lightly. Allow what is held to breathe, to communicate, to change and evolve.”

— me, today

Blue whale…songs/communication can be heard thousands of miles away…

Today I meditated with the sounds of a blue whale’s communication- a deep resonant hum, sometimes a fluttering sound (highly recommended strategy in a stressful situation).

As I listened and truly attended to the physical vibration in my ears and in my whole body, calm rose, concern lessened:

The stomach indigestion: a holding on and a letting go feeling (literally!) evened out.
The story of good vs. evil, of right vs. wrong, of fight vs. faint or flee began to fade.
This is the reality sunk in: we are in a cycle of push and pull, of force opposing force.
A sense of deep care emerged in the chest area.
Clarity arrived.

How to get through a day: A process.

Await what wants to be revealed.
Allow the information: bad news, good news, stomach ache, conflicting opinions/beliefs: don’t turn away.
Accept reality: listen and hear and understand both sides of anything.
Attend to the desire for balance. Take action from the place of deep care.

My attending action: I felt the conflict. I felt through the conflict. I talked to two teachers, one retired and one in the middle of everything. I heard their despair, their anger, their frustration, and their belief in the role of public education in a compassionate and wise society. I watched the process from the government’s late night session (a process which limited debate to only one hour). I sent letters from my heart. Letters of understanding the difficulty of negotiations at a time when it appears the easiest and best course of action is to act from a position of authority. Letters of understanding the importance of considering not just one year or four years into the future but decades, generations. I sent letters I believed communicated a deep level of care, for all concerned. I wrote this blog post. I am open to hearing any other action I might take to assist in bringing balance, equanimity, sanity to the reality I am living with…

Already I hear the voices of doubt and derision from both sides of the argument. This response is not strong enough. They will run right over you/us. We are doomed. We have no better options.

How do we calm the escalation of aggression? One human. Another human. Another human. Another human. All of us humans listening to blue whale communication, remembering our humanity. Re-membering our humanity.

The process for getting through a day may need to be shared far and wide. Thank you for reading.

“Balance. Balance. Balance. Balance.”

— me, today

Sometimes the head feels heavy.

The eyelids want to close against any more doing. The body wants to rest, to attend to the quiet, the still, the inside centre point.

Sometimes the throat feels full. Forceful. Buzzy. Sometimes it seems to ignite the jaw and illicit the biting of the tongue or the relaxing of the jaw. Relax the throat.

Hear the birds sing.

Listen.

To the speed, the force of the sound. Imagine where it comes from, the belly and through the esophagus and into the beak positioned just so and with the force needed, the intent behind the sound, the meant-expression. The emotion.

Sometimes the throat feels like a birds’. And the shoulders like folded wings.

Sometimes the feet root into the ground. You might learn it in yoga– how to spread the toes, bend the knees slightly, let the weight descend through the legs, through the feet, into the floor and beyond, an energetic cord of connection between the body, the hips and legs and feet, into the centre of the earth, the lava core. The feet are rooted, being met with resistance, meeting resistance.

Sometimes the feet root into the ground and the head is connected to the sky. You might learn it in Qi Gong; this method of connecting earth and sky in the body and extending the energetic signature of the body and finding the flow of energy moving from earth to sky and then balancing.

You might think you’re just trying a bit of everything and mastering nothing. Or you might be developing dozens of perspectives on a subject you’re just not aware of, a question you haven’t been aware you’re asking. A question like…what is energy? What is a body?

In totality. From all perspectives. You might get into all of this investigation and curiousness and notice you’re being berated by self-criticism and a desire to be different from who you are. You might notice you learn to like yourself more because you know more about how skilled you are, how marvelous a body really is, what a miracle it is you’re alive.

You might think thinking about death is ______________ . It’s okay. Death is weird.

You might like spring the most because that’s when there is proof again, life continues.

You might like winter the most because it reminds you of death and, somehow, the idea that all this work might be over one day feels good.

You might wonder if plastic surgery is a better option than learning to love yourself just as you are. You might wish you were the kind of mom who would have no problem getting botox by the orthodontist when she’s finished fitting your 10 year old with Invisiline retainers. You might experiment with interventions of one kind or another, addictions, ways of avoiding, ways of getting what you want. You might become a heavy consumer of solutions. Solutions to problems you don’t have to take on. You might see your life as one of many, not so special, glad to have gotten this far, and you might wonder, why spend time sharing this story? Who needs to know what you survived? How will it help them? Billions of people are speaking. Don’t we need more silence? Aren’t you tired of someone trying to sell you their version of the truth?

Sometimes the head is heavy when you sit down to write. Sometimes you remember life as if it were a movie and you think the dreaming part is always so good, why not get to it right now. But…you remember a voice from earlier suggesting, your story matters. You remember the session in the therapist’s office about your shame. You experienced your shame. Let it have its say. Through the body. All that feeling. The clenching of the jaw, the gripping of the arms of the chair, how you thought you might rip them off, the overwhelming desire to run, the tears, the drama of it all. Moaning. Clutching your stomach. A movie of the past, replaying. The desire to vomit a boa constrictor of grief squeezing, squeezing, squeezing, from your gut to your throat. Coming back to the room, you remember a moment of strength.

You said, no.

Remember?

You said, no.

Finally, the boa lets go. You wondered if it would be helpful for the woman-trainee therapist to witness an unguarded truth. If sharing a story matters.

We are here for a reason. You and I together.

Yes, we are.

We do not have to be good. To be aware is enough.

I’m publishing a series of dispatches I’ve written/or spoken into a voice memo app and, then, transcribed. They are from a past version of Mar’ce who is also part of this-moment-Mar’ce. : ) I choose them randomly and edit them lightly. Some of them have been shared in small group settings. Most have not been read once they’ve been written.

I notice I stopped sharing widely a couple of years ago. I notice my break had to do with imagining an invisible audience who is potentially critical/judgemental/unkind. I noticed, too, I don’t want to participate In sharing on instagram or Facebook or linked in. I’ve been sporadically experimenting with sub stack. What a wonderful period of time it has been to not share or not share much! What a gift it’s been to germinate, to rest, to experience the events of life slowly and with curiousness! Thank you for reading. I so appreciate your attention. Your curiosity matters. Your attention matters. What are you germinating??